this is a short but deep one, since i figured it's time to write another blog post about my loneliness. again. they're like the catalysts of 90% of my personal writing, anyways.

i recently had went out with a few friends (shocker, i know) for a friend's birthday earlier this month. it was a pretty fun trip since we got to do a lot of stuff and i even got to play maimai for the first time, plus, i finally got an ave mujica nui and i love my nyamu nui to bits, plus that idolm@ster figure i got at a very good bargain. overall, it was fun! i loved going out with them and talking with them and they're like my first real life friends who i actually got real life teenage interactions with ever since middle school, and i'm glad that i have met them, or else i would just spend the next two years all lonely and depressed, maybe some talk isn't so bad. although there is one part that stood the most to me, which is when we were about to go home, my two friends noticed a donut shop so we went there to get some donuts. well, at least for my two friends. i didn't get one, though, and so did like two others. we talked for a bit and we landed on a subject that is pretty heavy for me, my elementary school.

i have written a bit about my experience related to my elementary school, and how it basically changed the trajectory of my life for the worse because kids don't know how to be nice to a kid who's slightly abnormal nor did the teachers know how to give basic support to neurodivergent kids. i was either isolated or bullied, or even pitied, which i would go on another blog later to explain how i absolutely hate being pitied. i had like only four friends, not counting those girls who "befriended" me for like a week max because, i don't know. i was oblivious about it, okay. looking back from now, it was kind of pathetic of me. in fact, the whole entire me trying to befriend other people is just stupid of me. why am i, an either quiet of obnoxious autistic kid depending on the situation, trying to befriend a bunch of normal kids who are just way better at communicating than me? every attempt is literally just humiliation and wondering why nobody wouldn't be my friend. so when it was middle school, i just stopped trying. it was useless, i thought to myself, i didn't need friends anyway.

my friend talks about me, we were just talking about how everyone there is annoying and how they think they're funny but really, they aren't. i couldn't remember anything much, just some talk about a few classmates and how we didn't like them because of our own reasons. what i can clearly remember is when i asked her, "why did they even get me anyways?" she answered something along the lines of "they think you're like weird and stuff with your stutter and the way you act." i didn't even realize i had a stutter. i know i had stuttered, but i haven't really realize that i actually was full on stuttering. i just realized that because of a conversation a few days after. i don't rememeber any instances that it happened, though. my mind mostly erases it. that conversation had unlocked something new about me that i didn't even know, and it was one of the causes of my suffering.

i think it should be clear by now that i had never fit in. i didn't feel like i fit in, not even with my friends, even though i love them. i never got the characteristics of a normal child, i don't act like a normal child would. there was always something wrong with me, even if i try to act normal, it will always be there. there is just the way that i act, the way that i think, the way that i talk, the way that i solve things. if i was quiet, and i didn't talk to anyone at all, i would just be looked at weirdly and i would just be discarded and become a ghost in a classroom. i would just live life alone, free from human communication, which would be good in theory, since i would have more time for myself, but when you feel the loneliness surrounding it, it will crush you into pieces. at the same time, if i was cheery, if i answered every question, if i tried to put myself into situations, i would just be obnoxious, naive, childish, annoying, and a bunch of more words that would flood the whole entire blog. i would just be seen as attention seeking, and too loud. because it's either too loud or too quiet for me. i will never be just right, in fact, there isn't a just right for me. it's stupid, it's pathetic.

it all comes into a conclusion, that they won't care for me unless i force them to, but even if i do, it would just go to waste since being neurodivergent is a basically a crime there. when i was a kid, i never understood why people didn't like me, or why i didn't have anyone to play with on recess, or why i didn't have a group to be with, or why i was still playing with kids who called me names i told them not to call, or why i was so annoyingly loud at adults who could care less about me unless if one of their favorite students are in the room with them, or why i kept stuffing myself with unwanted food just for the validation of the popular girls, or why i kept trying to get close at the boys even though they would rub their hands with alcohol gel when i get too close to them, or why every teacher was so harsh on me acting a bit weird, or why i was failing to communicate to an adult because my mouth couldn't move. there's many, many more which i could make another blog post if wanted. but, it's just so pathetic and dumb of me to be such a sweet summer child and to not realize that these people do not care about me a bit. i was naive because i craved friendship, but curiosity killed the cat, and so i was stabbed.

i still held those negative feelings from the past, and i am still lingering at the isolating loneliness. but i got everything i wanted, right? friendship, but with actual peers. that's all i wanted, but why do i still feel this way? it's not supposed to be like this. it was never supposed to be like this. i just wanted to be normal, to live a normal life, to be able to communicate freely, so why is there still this suffocating feeling on my chest? why am i still anxious about a simple opinion? why am i still fumbling on words and mistakes? i was supposed to feel better, but still, i am left wondering why i am still in the same room that i had always been wandering.